no more

next week my thirties will be coming to an end, and good golly, what a ride it has been. it's an irresistible thing to flash back to where i was at the end of my twenties, and then heave a sigh of relief that i am where i am now and not where i was then. i was so much younger in body, but so much older in spirit. i lived a divided life. on my own watch, i was happy: did as i pleased, went where i wished, spent time with people i liked. professionally i was a miserable wretch. every monday i got on a plane, showed up to whatever company i was dispatched, and shed myself in a heap on the front door before i went into the building. i can still feel so clearly how it felt, not strong or secure enough in my own skin to take along the parts of me that i needed the most. every thursday night i came home, spent, and collected myself out of that puddle and began the recharging process until it was time to go back. and as i picked through my thirties, i wondered, "why is this so hard? where is the unity? when will this all come together?" well, the reason was because it WAS hard, and i had to realize that the unity and togetherness were only going to come from inside, not from the outside. it involved making choices, standing by them, standing by my own side when i screwed up. in short, it involved not only figuring out my identity, but also taking responsibility for it.

this line has been traveling around in my journals and notebooks for as long as i can remember - and now i feel like i've finally earned the right to put it in color. not because it's something already accomplished, but because i'm finally starting to believe in it.

navel gazing complete. have a nice weekend!